Friday, September 11, 2009

Husband bought me lovely flowers for my birthday, they are my favourites. i would include photos, but most of them are still buds, so it wouldn't be impressive.

Husband is so very thoughful and wonderful, he is being so very patient with me, as I have been so sick for so long, he has done the ironing and other bits and pieces that I normally do.

So, thank you Husband for being wonderful

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Happy Birthday Me

Well, it is my 26th birthday today.

No cake or anything, because that I will not be able to keep it down. But I am feeling vastly better than most of this week.

Husband bought me a new MP3 player and a map of the world (wierd I know, but I really wanted one). I also received a beautiful bunch of lillies, Husband is so very sweet.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Hospital late at night

well, I went to hospital at 10pm the other night. I hadn't been able to keep even liquids down for 6 hours, so I was quite dehydrated.

2 hours later, I got to see a doctor and was given a maxalon injection. I have spent the last couple of days recovering from being so sick, but with thanks to Powerade, I am on the mend.

I am pretty sure that I was getting run down from vomiting all the time and losing electrolytes. I have not managed to drink lots, but enough to make myself feel a little better.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

All-day sickness

Ewwww, pregnancy is not what it seemed.

I am throwing up all day, every day.

But the baby is healthy, which is wonderful.

Friday, September 4, 2009


Okay, so I am posting this a little early, the cat is out of the bag... I have been vomiting for the past 3 weeks :( :)

When you read this I will be 9 weeks pregnant!

I am writing this 3 weeks in advance, as I don't want anyone to know before I tell our families.

I didn't think I was, I just went for a check up at the doctors to see about hormone level tests that I had a couple of weeks ago. She said that they didn't look good, my progesterone wasn't at the right level. Then she asked when I had my last period, and I told her. And then she sent me to get a test.


I still cannot really believe it! I rang Husband who is over the moon. I also had to go for another blood test for something... not quite sure what. But the nurse had to stab me 7 times before all the blood came out. (Note to self: Drink lots before going to the doctors).

Husband and I decided not to tell people on Father's day, as it is the 9 week mark (ideally I would tell people around 12 weeks, but I don't think I can stand it that far away). For the In Laws, it will be their first grandchild, my parents, the 5th. But I am sure my Dad will be over the moon, I have always been close to my Dad and I am sure that my child will mean a lot to him.

So YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just had to tell someone :)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Home Alone

Husband has gone to listen to Wittle and Matthew play in their band tonight. I am not feeling so well, so I am staying home.

I don't mind staying home too much, I do like time by myself.

Tonight I am watching a stupid movie, and trying to relax.

Gee, I really sound pathetic don't I?

Sunday, August 23, 2009


i am feeling really sick at the moment, which isn't good.
Husband has to work lots.
I am just over it all

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Gamer's "Widow"

The Gamer's "Widow"
That's right Gamer's Girls, there's a whole other type of fem dating gamers. They are called Gamer's "Widow." No it's not a cool title with an awesome, bad ass spider reference. Unfortunately, it's not a title girls hope to have, yet there are a lot of Gamer's Widows (GW) out there. A GW is a product of a broken relationship brought on, in one way or another, by a game. Gamer's Girls (GG) know all to well how there relationship sometimes teeters and are at risk of becoming a GW. The overwhelming hours on a game can cause strain in any relationship, no matter how strong. A successful relationship with a gamer takes balance, respect, and understanding by both parties involved. Sometimes however, even the best GG can't break the spell it has on some gamers. And I'm not just talking about the infamous widower, World of Warcraft. Consul games and table top games can be just as addicting and cause just as many problems. They're simply a different poison.

Is it possible for a GG to avoid becoming a GW? Or is it inevitable in certain gamer relationships? First of all, we can't blame the game itself for widowing. After all, they're just pixels being pushed across a screen. In order to prevent or recognize an inevitable widowing, it's important to know the signs of it taking place in a gamer relationship and know who in the relationship is causing the widowing (SURPRISE - it's not always the gamer).

How do you know a widowing is on the horizon? It's different in every relationship and often times it's unique to that couples personal history and personality. So it's impossible to generalize all of the signs. There are, however, some repeat behaviors that you can use as a compass to gauge if your heading in that direction. Tedious game play with no time spent with your partner, constant arguing over time management and life style choices, resentment towards the game he is playing, gamer isolation from non "in game" friends and family, bickering over finance issues stemmed from purchases made to play the game, sacrificing job security in order to play the game, and avoidance of the other person due to an impending argument regarding game play. Again these are just a few recurring problems found in gamer relationships on the verge of ending.

There's only two people who can cause gamer widowing. The Gamer and the Gamer's Girl. As much as we want to blame a hunk of electronics on a desk, it is in fact based on the individuals. And as much as we want to blame the Gamer, often times it's the Gamer's Girl! I see it all the time. A girl will enter into a relationship with a gamer not knowing what they're getting themselves into or the commitment their making (or lack there of). They're mind is set on being able to change him to fit their needs. After all "it's just a game, right?" Wrong. It is true that gamers will adapt to their partner so both parties are happy, however gaming is a huge part of a gamer's character and personality - to try and remove it or alter it to make only you happy is just silly and a set up for relationship failure. These future GW stay in a doomed relationship only to constantly nag their gamer in a relentless battle of lifestyle choices. They're not looking to compromise, they're looking to be right. To them they view the game as "non productive time," thus they consider it "free time." When they don't see their gamer willing to spend all their "free time" with them, they figure there's something wrong with the guy. They don't see it as a hobby. Which is understandable b/c they can't physically tough the end result. It's not like building model airplanes or going fishing. Those tangible hobbies are easier to digest. As a GG, we realize that gaming is a hobby, a time for him to relax, or simply put: his "me" time. Most future GW try to "be right" by pointingout the hours spent on a game. They see him spending 2-4 hours on a game they don't see the point to. Well, if you want to be technical and go by hours, how about all the "me" time we spend on ourselves? The gamer never questions us when we need a 4 hour salon/spa day, or spend 6 hours at the mall window shopping, or the desire to have a Sex in the City marathon with the girls all day on Sunday. Gaming for gamer's fulfills for them what all those "girly" things fulfills for us.

Sorry Gamers, sometimes gamer widowing comes from your end too. Your Gamer Girl DOES deserve your time and attention! She is not a lower level character you can set aside and choose when and for how long you want to level her up. Gamers, often times, play a leading role in creating a GW. This usually comes from them not being about to identify the difference between "relationship time" and "hobby time." The GG being in the same room as their Gamer while he plays a game and she piddles around waiting IS NOT relationship time. "Relationship time" should be spend engaged in each other. Whether that's having a discussion over dinner or reading comics together at Barnes and Noble - the time spent is focused on each other and not outside sources. Relationships are about balance and give and take. A Gamer can't take away all "relationship time" and substitute it for "hobby time." Just like a GG can't take away all "hobby" time for "relationship" time. Most Gamers that cause gamer widowing over look this simple formula.

Small tips to help gently resolve or prevent gamer widowing:

- Set a date night! It's much easier to be engaged with only each other when you're out of the house. Having a simple date night at least once a week makes a big difference. You can take turns deciding on what you will do on your date night so both parties participate in meaningful activities for the other person. (remember, she did learn to play Halo for you... I think you can manage a pottery class or a museum every once and a while)
- Be honest about your timing. There are times where GG do need their gamer's attention for a moment and have to interrupt their game play. Most of the time the Gamer will either completely ignore them without making a sound or give a negative response to show their annoyance. GGs deserve more then that. They make you food, keep things tighty, give you love, and sometimes do your laundry. If you can't pause the game right then and there, at least give her a real time estimate of when you can be mentally available - and then STICK TO IT. Don't say "in a minute" if you don't mean "in a minute." It's ok to say "I'll have this boss beat in approx 12 minutes and then we can chat." Be respectful. Formulate full sentences and look her in the eye, when you can. GGs know all to well that infamous "gamer minute." One minute can mean fifteen. GGs appreciate when their Gamer polightly gives them an honest estimate they stick to. That way they don't feel like you think of them as a pest.
- Prioritize your arrival from work. GGs know you've had a long day and you want to hop on your game right away. Try to resist that urge and give her at least 30 minutes. Have a seat, relax, chit chat. It wont hurt. She'll be more willing to let you be if you do.

Friday, August 21, 2009


Facebook is both really good and really pathetic.

Really good because that I can catch up with friends and aquaintances.

Really bad because I have no idea what people can stay on there all day for.

Social networking sites are great for many reasons, but bad for at least as many reasons. I can only hope that Facebooking or Twittering etc does not ultimately replace face-to-face contact, because so much is lost if we cannot keep in contact unless it is "online"


I really don't see the point of alcohol, it has absolutely no appeal for me at all. Husband enjoys a drink every now and then, but for me, it has no appeal.

I don't like the taste, or he it makes me feel (like poison would... or at least that it what I think it feels like).

But I know that people do enjoy it. I don't mind for people around me to drink (but not get drunk). Except for one person, a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. He has started drinking socially again, but excessively or feeding his addiction as far as I can tell. I pray that he does not fall back into his old ways. I trust him, but I am still nervous that he will suffer for restarting the drinking.

I was thinking this today as I was cleaning out our cupboards, we have all of 3 bottles of wine, and one of a liqueur. We are taking the "sparking white" for a Father's day celebration and we still have more alcohol than we will use in 2 years.... oh well, just a thought

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

Monday, August 17, 2009


I hate having to keep secrets, especially from people I love.

Sarah was just over, and I am tired, so yeah I wasn't in the most communicative mood, but because I had a secret, it made my communication worse.

I really need sleep....

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Yay, my blueberry bush is now growing flowers!

Saturday, August 15, 2009


Walking is good exercise.

It is convenient too. I walk all day at work, so I have taken to wearing a pedometer to ensure that I am getting plenty of exercise.

I walk around 17,000 steps each day at work, which is good. There are many scientific studies to confirm the health benefits. Such as

My doctor tells me that I need to make sure that I exercise. But I really feel apathetic about pretty much everything, it is really hard to feel like exercising. So I ensure that I walk a lot during the day, and try to exercise when I can.

So here is to more exercise and hopefully... more endorphins caused by exercise.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The funny way life works

Why can teenagers get pregnant after having sex a couple of times but it is taking me ages, well over a year to get pregnant?

Ah well, it's just the funny way life works.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Audio Books

At the moment I am really enjoying audio books. My depression is making it hard for me to be able to read, my attention span is getting smaller and smaller.

So at the moment I like audio books because I can fiddle with my hands and do housework while "reading".

I am listening to a lot of Lori Wick and other Christian romance books, because my brain isn't coping with thinking much.

So it is definately wonderful to listen to audio books, I enjoy it much more than music.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

At the moment I am really achy, my uterus is being annoying. I never get achy before my period, and I have taken a pregnancy test and it was negative... so I have absolutely no idea why.

Sorry I just had to whinge at someone....

Monday, August 10, 2009

Gaming Widow

Yes, I admit, I am a gaming widow.

Husband is a gamer, and makes video games for his job. It is not unusual for Husband to play for at least 8 hours on the weekend and at least 2 hours every night.

So that means that I am learning lots about games by default.

At the moment, Husband is playing Dead Space which is a rather gory game, but you get that. He plays a lot of games that I would rather he didn't due to the body count, but I have found that I need to trust him.

I am not his mother, to dictate to him what he should or should not watch/play. I am his wife. If I say that I really object to something he listens (which is why he didn't get Dead Space when it was a new release.

But being married is a compromise, and I have found by not acting like a mother to Husband, I have his respect and we can work out any disagreements about appropriate games.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

1) Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read.
I'm too lazy to do the rest :p

1b) put an "x-" next to the ones you've started but not finished.
2) Add a '+' to the ones you LOVE.
3) Star (*) those you plan on reading.
4) Tally your total at the bottom.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen x
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien x
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte x
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling x
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee x
6 The Bible x
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte x
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott x
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy x
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller x
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (well, a lot of them, does that count?)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien x
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger x ( I really hated this book)
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot x
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell x
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald x
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy x
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams x
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky X
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck x
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy x
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis x
34 Emma - Jane Austen x
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen x
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis x
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden x
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne x
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell x
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown x
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irvin
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery x
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding x
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen x
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley x
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez x
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas x (only about a million times, do I get extra points for that?)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding x
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker x
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett x
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce x
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray x
80 Possession - AS Byatt x
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens x
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker x
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert x
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle x
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton x
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad x
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery x
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas x
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare x
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo x

Total read in full: 51 (I forgot Crime and Punishment) :/

Sunday, August 2, 2009

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)”

Saturday, August 1, 2009

What I am watching right now

At the moment I am watching Jane Eyre.

It is a mini series by the BBC, and it is the closest Jane Eyre to the original book. I adore Toby Stephens as Mr Rochester, and Ruth Wilson as Jane Eyre. It is a very good adaptation. I do adore the original book, I have read it so many times, and enjoy it not only because of the characters, but also because of the theology in it.

Jane Eyre leaves the man she loves when she discovers he is already married, albiet to a "lunatic" who tries to kill him. Many characters, and people would reach for happiness and run away with Mr Rochester and live in sin. But, as Jane herself points out, is wrong, God says that adultery is wrong. No matter what the world says, it can never be right to do so.

So Jane runs away from temptation, and eventually, does come to happiness after Mr Rochester's wife dies. But I love Jane's faith all through the book, not just in regards to Mr Rochester, her steadfast faith makes her character richer and more vibrant than it would be otherwise.

But I do enjoy the story too.

Husband doesn't like it, mainly because he does not wish to watch it. :)

Friday, July 31, 2009

A quote that reflects my friendship with Sarah

The firmest friendships have been formed in mutual adversity, as iron is most strongly welded by the fiercest fire.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Crunch Time

Husband works making computer games. Unfortunately part of this is crunch time. It is when a milestone is due and he has to work back to finish the milestone on time.

It means that he needs to work 12 hour or more days, at least 6 days a week, every 6 weeks or so. It lasts for 2 weeks or so.

It is hard for him, as he needs to work so much, but also for me, as he is gone so much.

As I write, I am waiting for him to come home, hopefully soon, as it is Sunday and he left early this morning.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

An Oprah Moment

Husband came home today and said he had gotten a call from his dad. Father in Law offered us a car that Matthew had been using that he no longer needed. For Free.

Let me repeat that. FOR FREE

A 2002 Kia in good condition, just because they don't want it anymore. Wow.

Words cannot express how grateful that I am, it is just amazing. My current car is 17 years old and I was starting to think about when it dies in a couple of years, what in earth I was going to do. Husband has a car that is 5 years old and it really good condition, so this new car will be for me.

But God is gracious and has provided me with a new(ish) car. And it is so very generous of the in laws. It is like that episode of Oprah where she gave everyone new cars, that is how I feel.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Mood Charting

At the moment, at the request of Bill, I have started charting my mood every day.

I have found this mood chart from the Black Dog Institute

It is an interesting exercise and very odd. Interesting because it lets me assess what I am feeling, odd because I am not used to assessing my feelings. But wonderfully therapeutic.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Simple Savings - one of my favourite sites

18 months ago I discovered a site Simple Savings It is a site on saving money, and I have found it is one of the best sites on that topic.

It has a great forum and a hints Vault. I have made many online friends there, and have enjoyed reading the blog on there.

The bloggers name is Penny Wise, and I adore her blog I was drawn to the website by her humour and writing.

All in all, a fantasic Australian site

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Wide Sargasso Sea

I have just finished reading the Wide Sargasso Sea

It was an interesting read. It was written in 1966, a bit later than most of the novels I read. It is a novel based on the Bertha character in Jane Eyre

It shows Bertha in a more sympathetic light than in the original novel. In Jane Eyre, Bertha is not given a voice, she is a peripheral character, of no importance but how her existance furthers the plot. But in Wide Sargasso Sea, she is shown to have had a hard life and sinks into her insanity without her noticing.

While it was a good read, I still prefer Jane Eyre :)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday my Lovely Husband!

Today is my lovely husband's birthday. He is 29, and I must say he is a wonderful husband.

The last 4 and a half years that I have known him have been the best of my life.

So, Happy Birthday My Darling

Friday, July 24, 2009


I love making cakes, decorating them really.

I learnt to decorate cakes in high school. And luckily my husband loves me making them for him. As it is his birthday, I am making him a birthday cake.

This year is a drum cake, as Husband is a drummer

Hopefully this will pass the grade :)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I made the wall of shadow draw back,
beyond desire and act, I walked on.
- Pablo Neruda

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


I just bought a journal, one that is a devotional/reflecting on my marriage. I have never been a journalling person, I usually give up a week in. But this blog has meant that I have been basically journalling for some time now. So I am going to try to do this.

I love my husband, he is a kind, considerate and wonderful person and I would like to journal my thoughts and feelings about our marriage.

So, wish me luck :)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

New Zealand

3 years ago I had the privilege of going to New Zealand with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother comes from Christchurch and we went to a family reunion.

We went to Christchurch for a couple of days for the reunion, then we drove around the South Island. We visited Queenstown, Fox Glacier, Greymouth and Arthurs Pass.

New Zealand, seriously has the best scenery. I loved the history and the lovely locals. I would love to go again, I am going to take Husband one day.

One of my workmates is going to New Zealand next year, and I have dug out my scrapbook from the old trip to give him ideas where to go. I love looking through my old books and remember the good and the bad.

I love walking down memory lane

Monday, July 20, 2009

Customer Service

Today I was embarassed at a 7-Eleven.

I received a free fuel voucher and when I tried to redeem it, I was told that the person didn't know what that was and I couldn't use it. Which was quite embarassing for me, as I was under the impression that I could use them at any 7-Eleven.

So I went home and wrote an email stating what had happened. I got an email a couple of hours later from the NSW regional manager asking if he could call me to sort it out. Tonight, he rang and apologised and said that they had retrained the staff and I could use the voucher when I wish to do so.

Which was fantastic. That is good customer service, I know, I work in retail. SO, thank you 7-Eleven, you have restored my belief that customer service staff do care.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Pablo Neruda

Pablo Neruda is one of my favourite poets. The cadence and rhythm of his words entrance me. I have just bought a book of most of his works, so expect to hear some choice quotes from him regularly as I read through the book.

My favourite poem by him is:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

Friday, July 17, 2009

Back to work

Today was my first day back at work after 2 weeks sick leave. It was a stressful day, but not because of anything that was happening, but because that I cannot get my anxiety under control.

But at least I have a nice boss, I am allowed to go to my counsellor's appointment which is during work hours.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Another thing that has come through my therapy. I am fearful. Always always fearful.

Ever since I was little I have been convinced that people do not like me. I have issues believing people like me, I have issues making connections with people, I can do social occasions and I can do them well, but making lasting relationship connections is extremely difficult for me.

I think it may be because when I was growing up my Dad was absent and my Mum didn't like me very much. And by very much, I mean at all. She had undiagnosed depression and because of Dad's work commitments she was basically a single mother most of the time. I know she did the best she could with what she had, I do not blame her, I of all people know that depression when you are unsupported.

But it still had left scars. I am determined to beat this fear, surely I can become less fearful, more confident in the way that God has made me.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


In my session with Bill, we talked a lot about my miscarriage. It was 2 days before Christmas and it was a very early miscarriage.

He asked if I had mourned for her, I said I don't know. I don't think I had.

She was only a couple of weeks old, just a blob, but she was the embodiment of all the hope and love between Husband and I. So I have decided to name her.

Her name is Danae. I know I will mourn her, and I know that there are women who have suffered more than I, but I do need to recognise that I have lost my child.

For Husband, she was not quite real, he didn't have the deep connection with her that I did. For him, it was more the loss of the hope. He hasn't talked of it much.

Now I am starting to feel hope again, a small light piercing the dark clouds that have surrounded me for so very long.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Remembering to breathe

I had my first counselling appointment. It was nerve-racking. I met a nice counsellor called Bill, an older gentleman who has over 30 years of experience.

He was kind, considerate and brought up many issues that I hadn't thought of before.

Part of what he brought up was that I don't breathe much. Apparently 95% of our energy (or close to it) comes from breathing. So now I need to relearn my breathing, if I breathe deeply I will feel better. And today, I do.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Monday, July 13, 2009

From a favourite theologian

Emerging Pastor

Too much to stand under

First some scripture.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. (2 Corinthians 1:8-9)

At the moment, someone quite close to me is suffering greatly, it is one reason that I have been sparse of posts, my time is required elsewhere.

When I say suffering greatly I mean hardship far beyond their ability to endure and even to share with those close by. To my friend life is not worth living, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished and there is only darkness all around. They have asked me on more than a few times about the promise of 1 Corinthians 10:13, "if God wont give me more than I can bear, then why am I suffering so much". It is heart-rending and heart-breaking.

2 Corinthians 1:8-9 offers some consolation to us when we read of Paul and his companions enduring even more than they can handle but such consolation can sometimes fail even the strongest of people when they are worn down by years of recurring illness.

But is this what Paul was talking about or is he specifically talking about trials relating to building faith?

I think they are one in the same. It doesn't matter if it is the struggle of a missionary in a hostile field, the struggle of sin in ones life, or the struggle with illness and pain. All three test, tease and strain our faith in God. So how is it that a person can get to the point of wanting to give up under the strain of illness and what does that say about God?

It's easy to blame the person. You might say that they don't have enough faith (and if you do I'll punch you in the throat), or that they are not seeing clearly at the moment (which they are obviously not, but that's not at all helpful), some might even hazard that they are being punished for sin (another throat punch worthy offence).

Not to blame the person, but to help them, I recently had this insight. "God may give us only what we can bear, but often we take on so much more". We pile on the worry, pile on the anxiety or make poor choices with what is presented to us.

Sometimes when faced with trial and trouble we do the exact opposite of what Peter asks us to do "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) We add to the heavy burden by not opening up to others or contemplating the worst case without defining the worst case.

In his letter to the Galatian church Paul urged: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2) Let's not let our brothers and sisters carry the heavy load by themselves. Let's help with their burden and help them to point their anxiety to Christ.

This post is not very refined or eloquent, it is from someone taking up the strain and praying for others to help.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Wrestling with Theology

Today I had a theological issue. Do infants/children who are not able to choose Christ as they are not old enough/aware enough go to heaven or hell.

Husband says that they go to hell. I find that disturbing, surely God is gracious enough that He will make allowances for the youth of the people and let them into heaven.

But I have no bible verse to back up my theory. Neither does Husband, but it means that is it is the black hole, things God has not explicitly mentioned in His word.

I was speaking to some mature Christians, Voltron and Sarah about this. As Voltron is a trainee pastor and Sarah I trust with her maturity and insight, I thought that they would be able to hash it out with me.

And speaking with them gave me clarity. Yes, there is no bible verse that points one way or another to the salvation of infants, but with a systematic reading of the Scriptures, it shows that God equally Just and Merciful. He does show mercy to people who do not deserve it, so it stands to reason that He would show mercy to those who are not capable of making a decision for Christ.

It is hard to be able to articulate such complex thoughts, I find that through discussion I am much more able to develop and articulate my thoughts rather than trying to describe off the cuff. I can only hope I keep thinking and praying about such issues and develop my understanding of God and how He interacts with His world.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Birthday Surprises

It is Husband's birthday soon. And I have had up my sleeve a surprise for him. I had some glamour shots taken, and framed. That is part of his present, some photos that will remind him how very much I want to be beautiful for him.

I went into the shop, quite apprehensive as I did not want the ladies there to think that because the photos are for my husband, I wanted to look slutty. But at least I could stand my ground and just ask for some classy photos. And if I may say so, they do look rather good.

The other part of his present is a computer game "The Conduit". Yes, Husband is a gamer. He spends a lot of time playing computer games, well, to each his own.

So I am looking forward to Husband's birthday. I love surprising him and I love that I get to spend one more year with the love of my life.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I wish we could talk about sex more openly. Not just lots of sexual jokes and innuendo like general society, but really talk. How hard it can be to fit the right priorities into life and how wonderful it can be to share your life and everything with one person.

It would be nice to be able to share how good Husband is as well :)

I must admit I am a very person and it is hard for me to share even normal everyday things with people, even people I know well. The only people I can share totally with are Husband and Sarah. Them I love with my whole heart and trust them completely.

But I do talk to Husband, the truly right and proper person to talk to about such things. I did not think I would be able to lose my inhibitions so completely around him, but with him I feel cherished and safe. I love making love to him and there is nothing I would rather do most days.

But some days I feel like there is nothing he could possibly do to turn me on. Those are the days that I need to remember why God instituted sex. Yes, for pleasure, but also so that we could become less selfish and take care of the needs of our spouse. It is those times that I think I will get the most from, the times that I need to work to be attracted to the man I love, but annoyed me earlier in the day. God is gracious enough to let us learn from all circumstances, if we so choose.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Today I went to the city and to browse around the bookstores. I love the Dymocks and Abbey Books in the city, they are so very big and have such a better range than the ones out where I live.

I love books, I love reading and the information as well as the escapism it gives me. I have always been a reader, as long as I can remember.

Anyway, the day in the city. It was a little strssful as it was the first time I had been in the city by myself. It was not a little daunting. But I managed. I caught the train and wandered around and did not get lost at all.

The bookstores were lovely and relaxing, I enjoyed spending time just looking. I did buy some books, 3 to be exact. I also bought a Jane Eyre DVD and a Family History journal.

One of the books I bought was one I have been looking for for about 2 years. The Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys. It is from a period of writing that I like (well, half of it was written in the 1930's) and it is based on a character from Jane Eyre, a book I really like. So it will be interesting to see what it will be like.

It was a lovely day, and best of all I got to catch the train home with Husband.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Thank you Antique Mommy for this thought

Good Intentions

I love going to the store early in the morning because there are usually no lines and it’s clean and quiet, plenty of good parking spaces. Early shoppers know how to grocery shop. They understand and adhere to aisle etiquette. They know what they are doing. They are my people.

But this is not about grocery store etiquette. This is about how good intentions wear off around 9am.

On a recent early morning shopping trip, I passed through the bakery area where I saw a mom-type person reach into the doughnut case, snag one with the tissue paper and scarf it down in about two bites. I do not judge her, because who among us has not been overcome with doughnut fumes and passed out in the self-serve case? She had probably gotten out of bed an hour before with the best of intentions to make it a better day, to do better, to treat her body like the temple that it is.

But by 9:30, the morning sun had scorched her good intentions. Resolve dissolved. I get that.

Two aisles before I even got to the photo department, I heard a voice – intense and purposeful and rising like a thermometer. When I turned the corner I saw a harried mom with four kids hanging off the cart. She was trying to work the self-service photo print machine and her four kids were trying to work her last nerve. And then she lost it. She bellowed at the source of her exasperation and melted down into a puddle of what appeared to be good intentions.

She had probably gone to bed the night before promising herself that today would be a better day, that today she would do better, today she would be the kind of calm and reasonable mom parenting books promise you can be.

As I was heading towards the checkout with my few things, I met up with a man with sad eyes and a red bulbous drinker’s nose. He wore a defeated expression. He bowed awkwardly and kindly waved me into the line ahead of him, although I had several things in my cart whereas he only had a case of beer.

“Thank you so much sir,” I said. I looked into his eyes and what I saw was the cruelest kind of sad – self disappointment. Had he gotten up a couple of hours earlier with the best intentions to make it a better day, to do better? Yet here he was buying a case of beer at 9:30 in the morning.

Beer is not my thing, but sometimes it’s the doughnut. Or the promise not to yell or be snippy and short with people I love. Or any number of short comings from a long list.

Like those people, I wake up each morning telling myself that today I’ll make it a better day, today I’ll do better. And then the sun rises in the sky.

The early shoppers, the ones with the good grocery store etiquette and a cart full of busted best intentions, they are my people.

Daily, my good intentions fail, but His compassions for me don’t. And therein lies my hope.

* * * *

“Because of the Lord’’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” ~Lamentations 3:22-23

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

When two wills clash

It is a subtle process, the blending of two lives. The bending of two wills to each suit the other and for the good of the couple. The process is slow and sometimes intensely painful, and often one needs to abandon their will to the other's. To believe your husband always has your best interests at heart can be, at times, next to impossible. While the husband truly does have your best interests of your present and future at heart, your will and desires scream that he must be wrong.

But then, grace swoops in. Submission is not being a doormat but choosing to trust your husband's choices, even when they seem stupid or wrong. I have learnt that when our wills clash, I do need to reconsider whether I am "right" or just want to be.

So it is the way with Christ. He asks me to wait. I don't want to, but I know He has my best interests at heart. Becoming more like Christ is a subtle process, the bending of my will to His.

I pray that I can bend my will to Jesus and to my husband, the ones I have pledged my life to.

Monday, July 6, 2009

I adore family history as it links me with the past and with my family. And I was priveledged enough to be given a lot of family history information lately. I have read the telegram that told my great-grandparents that their middle son had gone missing during a mission over the Aegean Sea during WWII, and looked at photos of my ancestors.

What a tenuous thing life is. I am sure these people had dreams, had many joyous and terrible experiences and developed character. And all of these seem to be lost when they die.

But, thankfully, they are not lost, I can see their faces in my family and, God willing, I will meet some of my ancestors in heaven. What a wonderous thing God's grace is, to allow us to live in His presence forever.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Book Preferences

Hardback or trade paperback or mass market paperback? Trade paperback, hardbacks can be very expensive.

Amazon or brick and mortar? Brick and mortar, I love browsing around shops.

Barnes & Noble or Borders? Borders, I have no idea what Barnes and Noble is.

Bookmark or dogear? Bookmark

Alphabetize by author or alphabetize by title or random? By subject, and then books by the same author together, I cannot be bothered to be obsessive about it.

Keep, throw away, or sell? Keep

Keep dustjacket or toss it? Keep the dustjacket

Read with dustjacket or remove it? Read with the dust jacket, but get annoyed at it.

Short story or novel? Novel, though I enjoy a short story collection every now and then.

Collection (short stories by same author) or anthology (short stories by different authors)? Both, though I generally prefer a collection.

Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks? Chapter breaks.

“It was a dark and stormy night” or “Once upon a time”? Um... both

Buy or Borrow? Both, mostly borrow as I am quite.... frugal

New or used? Both

Buying choice: book reviews, recommendation or browse? Browse

Tidy ending or cliffhanger? It must be a tidy ending, otherwise it drives me crazy

Morning reading, afternoon reading or nighttime reading? I have to limit to a time???

Stand-alone or series? Um... I love a good series, but there are many great stand alone books

Favorite series? Do I really have to name one?

Favorite book of which nobody else has heard? Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner

Favorite books read last year? Um.... so very many. I love the Red River of the North series by Lauraine Snelling, the Mitford Series by Jan Karon

Favorite books of all time? Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte, The Count of Monte Cristo by Dumas, Anything by LM Montgomery, Hemingway, Louisa May Alcott.

Least favorite book you finished last year? Memory Keepers Daughter by Kim Edwards, the reviews were much exaggerated, it was a horrible book.

What are you reading right now? Little Women by Louisa May Alcott and Tender Mercies by Lauraine Snelling

What are you reading next? A Simple Way to Pray by Martin Luther and Women in the Hebrew Bible edited by Alice Bach

Saturday, July 4, 2009


I admit it, I am a list person.

I love lists.

Shopping lists, things to do, things to ask the doctor and the list goes on :)

It probably stems from my wish to be organised and works, most of the time.

Like my wedding, now that was an achievement in organisation, not obsessive, or bridezilla-y, but organised so that I knew what was happening. And it worked, it was a wonderful day, not perfect, but wonderful in everyway.

I have learned, if I do not write lists I forget things. Especially at the grocery shops, I will forget what I am going for and get a basketload of things that I didn't really need.

I am sure that Husband thinks I am a little bit controlling, but, thankfully I am letting go of some things. Marriage is like that, God uses it for His purposes, to change us into His image. And God willing, I am becoming just a little more Christ-like each day

Friday, July 3, 2009

C.S Lewis

"Because we love something else more than this world we love even this world better than those who know no other." (From God In the Dock).

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Is it just me?

Is it just me or is anyone else afraid of asking questions about things they just don't get?

Not that I mind appearing ignorant about things other people think everyone knows, but because I invariably ask the most embarrassing questions most innocently.

I just don't get a lot of "blue" humour.

Like the time Husband and I were driving home late at night, and a segment on Triple M came on called "Dolphin Juice". I innocently remarked to Husband "How on earth do people think of such random names for radio shows, do they pick two random words out of the dictionary?"
Husband: "Uh.... you don't know what that means?"
Me: "It means something?"
Husband: "Uh.... it means.... ummm"
I will save you the rest of the conversation, but apparently dolphin juice is a euphemism about ejaculate.

So I have learned, if I don't know something, always ask Husband things out of the ear shot of other people.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Thoughts on Money for the New Financial Year

No one talks about money, not how much we earn, not how we managed to afford our house...

But on occasions people will open up.
Like Wittle, he and Angelica went to the Easter Show and ran into a very determined salesman who proceeded to get them to sign up for a $4500 saucepan set. What the!?!?!

At times like this I am tempted to share about Husband's and my frugality and how we managed a 25% deposit on our house. But then, that would alienate people, and I cannot do that.

But sometimes, I am sick of people thinking we are stingy.

We are not, but we are careful. Husband and I had to tell his parents that, no, we couldn't afford to fly ourselves down to Adelaide for a weekend to go to a cousin's wedding. Sorry, we just bought a house and we cannot afford it.
I know that they thought we didn't have our priorities right, for my parents in law, family, especially the really obscure people who you only see once in a few years, are very important. So important, we should blow a couple of thousand on airfares and accommodation.
So, they proceeded to pay for Husband and I to go. I felt so very guilty, but Husband accepted their gift and it was a good weekend.

But I do wish that people would talk about money more openly. I belong to a website Simple Savings it is a website that has hints and tips and the best forum ever. It is a place where you can find tips to clean your shower with vinegar as well as some other, less common ways to save money.

It is also a safe place to speak about struggles with money and somewhere where you can be proud to announce, you have paid a little more off your mortgage this month.

I am working on transparency in my life, trying to be more open with the people with whom I speak. On many fronts, but I do hope that one day I will be able to freely and honestly talk about money to my friends and family without being judgmental or offending.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mudhouse Sabbath

Mudhouse Sabbath

By Lauren Winner

2003, Paraclete Press

“It [the book] is, to be blunt, about spiritual practices that Jews do better.”

First drawn to this book for its unusual title, I soon found an intelligent discussion of spiritual practices, some of which I grew up with in a Christian household, and others that were foreign to me.

Lauren Winner converted from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity and this book is a collection of her thoughts and experiences in relation to traditions and practices common to both Judaism and Christianity. In this book she highlights 11 spiritual practices from Judaism that enriches and deepens the faith of those who put these into practice. The practices include prayer, the body, fasting, aging and mourning.

When talking about mourning, she discusses the Jewish "rhythm of mourning" that acknowledges the slow process of bereavement, a spiritual discipline that readers of all faiths would be wise to study.

Kashrut or Kosher is a spiritual practice that Christians do not follow, but Lauren Winner describes what Christians are missing out of because of it. Kashrut, she states, “.. shaped my spiritual life. Keeping kosher transforms eating from mere nutritional necessity into an act of faithfulness.” She does not, however argue for the Christian churches to start to follow the rules of kosher, but instead outlines her efforts to bring thought and intention to her eating.

While spiritual practices have been neglected in churches for a long while, Lauren Winner reminds us that spiritual disciplines do not have to be legalistic, but instead imbue our lives with meaning and enrich our spiritual lives in a way that nothing else can.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Redeeming Love

Redeeming Love
By Francine Rivers
Multnomah Women's Fiction,1999

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers is a compelling retelling of the biblical book of Hosea. Set in America in the 1850’s, Angel, who was sold into prostitution as a child has lived a life of only mistrust and fear. Michael Hosea is a God-fearing man who seeks to do God’s will. He is told by God to marry Angel, which he does, despite his misgivings and society’s condemnation. Slowly, day by day, he defies Angel’s every bitter expectation until, despite her resistance, she begins to thaw. But with her unexpected softening come overwhelming feelings of unworthiness and fear. And so Angel runs. Back to the darkness, away from her husband’s pursuing love, terrified of the truth she can no longer deny: Her final healing must come from the Him who loves her even more than Michael Hosea does, the One who will never let her go.

On the surface, this story is a wonderfully written romance, powerful and heartbreaking. But shining through is the truth, this story is an allegory of God’s love for us and how His love redeems us, no matter how sinful we are.

Redeeming Love is a book that Christians should read to understand the grace and love extended to us by God, and His unrelenting pursuit of us.
However, Redeeming Love is not a book for young teens for two reasons:
The subplots deal with incest, rape and the pain caused by prostitution, but these are dealt with sensitively and never without being necessary to further the plot.
And the book also deals with sex within marriage, not in a voyeuristic way, but to show how God’s view of love and sex is different to how the world views them.

Redeeming Love will take you on a journey with remarkable characters to discover, love, and worship God. It is a long journey, filled with obstacles of rejection, hatred and terrible sin. But finally, and most importantly, coming to Christ. Rivers makes this novel so realistic that it becomes a journey you will never forget.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Future of Jesus

The Future of Jesus
Dr Peter Jensen
2nd Edition, Matthias Media, 2008.

The Future of Jesus by Peter Jensen discusses one question: Does Jesus have a future in our society?

This book is based on the 2005 Boyer Lectures by Dr Peter Jensen, featured on the ABC National Radio. “I wonder how the future of Jesus and the future of our civilization will intersect” Jensen speculates. Through seven chapters, the ideas that Western society use to minimalise or marginalize Jesus and Christianity are reviewed and discussed.

Many arguments against Jesus, Dr Jensen recognizes, is a reflection of the damage that churches have done by failing to live up to Christ’s example. Rather than an argument for a return to the institution of the traditional “Church”, he is critical of institutional churches, despite heading the largest Anglican diocese in Australia. He states: “Traditional Christendom my have collapsed and the denominations may be weak, but individual churches, congregations and communities are still there in their thousands in Australia, and they still intend to provide us with a family that transcends and enriches our personal families. As long as that experience continues to be available, the Christian faith retains a powerful presence.”

Instead, Dr Jensen’s aim is “to inspire a widespread, adult reading of the New Testament Gospels” so that his readers will “see what a surprising man Jesus was … and whether Jesus can speak with something like his old power about central cultural issues such as personal freedom, human relationships and the future of our country”.

A short book, at 127 pages, The Future of Jesus is an intelligent and well written discussion of the issues that Western society as a whole, as well as many individuals have with the person of Jesus. This book is a fantastic resource for those who are seeking Jesus, and an important and stirring read for those who have already found Him.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


The Latin credo means literally "I give my heart." The word believe is a problematic one today, in part because it has gradually changed its meaning from being the language of certainty so deep that I could give my heart to it, to the language of uncertainty so shallow that only the "credulous" would rely on it. Faith.... is not about propositions, but about commitment. It does not mean that I intellecutally subscribe to the following list of statements, but that I give my heart to this reality. Believe indeed, comes to us from the Old English belove, making clear that this too is meant to be heart language. To say, "I believe in Jesus Christ" is not to subscribe to an uncertain propsition. It is a confession of cimmitment, of love.

Diana Eck, Encountering God

Friday, June 26, 2009

The poem that I wish to be read out at my funeral


SINCE I am coming to that Holy room,
Where, with Thy choir of saints for evermore,
I shall be made Thy music ; as I come
I tune the instrument here at the door,
And what I must do then, think here before ;

Whilst my physicians by their love are grown
Cosmographers, and I their map, who lie
Flat on this bed, that by them may be shown
That this is my south-west discovery,
Per fretum febris, by these straits to die ;

I joy, that in these straits I see my west ;
For, though those currents yield return to none,
What shall my west hurt me ? As west and east
In all flat maps—and I am one—are one,
So death doth touch the resurrection.

Is the Pacific sea my home ? Or are
The eastern riches ? Is Jerusalem ?
Anyan, and Magellan, and Gibraltar ?
All straits, and none but straits, are ways to them
Whether where Japhet dwelt, or Cham, or Shem.

We think that Paradise and Calvary,
Christ's cross and Adam's tree, stood in one place ;
Look, Lord, and find both Adams met in me ;
As the first Adam's sweat surrounds my face,
May the last Adam's blood my soul embrace.

So, in His purple wrapp'd, receive me, Lord ;
By these His thorns, give me His other crown ;
And as to others' souls I preach'd Thy word,
Be this my text, my sermon to mine own,
“Therefore that He may raise, the Lord throws down.”

I do not love you - one of my favourite poems

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda

Thursday, June 25, 2009


I am having some time off from work. My anxiety and depression has gotten so bad that I cannot work properly, so I am having 2 weeks off. I am counting the days I still have to work, now only one to go!

That gives me 2 weeks to have the medication that the doctor gave me to work. And to see the psychologist to get myself sorted out.

Grant, my boss, seems to be understanding, but I don't know if it is my depression filter, or if I am hearing correctly, I think he expects for everything to return to normal when I get back. I hope it will, but I think it is a faulty assumption. I may need more time off or something... I hate letting him down, we have worked together for over 5 and a half years and we have a close relationship. Joan is going to have to take over my work, and I am sorry, but I cannot help it.

Husband is wonderful and supportive. He still doesn't understand but he is learning.

I am looking forward to 2 weeks of rest and recovery.

The Crystal Gazer

I shall gather myself into my self again,
I shall take my scattered selves and make them one.
I shall fuse them into a polished crystal ball
Where I can see the moon and the flashing sun.
I Shall sit like a sibyl, hour after hour intent.
Watching the future come and the present go -
And the little shifting pictures of people rushing
In tiny self-importance to and fro.

- Sara Teasdale

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

If I had but two little wings

If I had but two little wings
And were a little feathery bird,
To you I'd fly, my dear!
But thoughts like these are idle things,
And I stay here.

But in my sleep to you I fly:
I'm always with you in my sleep!
The world is all one's own.
But then one wakes, and where am I?
All, all alone.

Sleep stays not, though a monarch bids:
So I love to wake ere break of day:
For though my sleep be gone,
Yet while 'tis dark, one shuts one's lids,
And still dreams on.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A quote to make us think...

Eucharist, Mass and Communion all have their place, but I want to start a campaign to revive an older name for Eucharist: the Viaticum. Viaticum was a Roman term; it designated the food, clothes and money that a Roman magistrate took with him when he traveled on state business. It was the necessaries he needed to get him though his trip. In the early church, Christians called the host you gave to one who was on the verge of death the Viaticum. Like the money and food that outfitted the Roman envoy for his journey, the host was the provision dying Christians neded as they stepped out on their journey from this world to the sweet hereafter.
Somtimes, early Christians used Viaticum to designate not ust the deathbed Eucharist, but any Eucharist. The Eucharist, the Viaticum, was the necessaries for our journey through this life. It was, in the words of one minister, "the sacrement of maintainence". It is like what the angel said to the exhausted and broken prophet Elijah, collapsed in a sleep under a broom tree. The angel waked him and said, "Arise and eat, else the journey will be too great for you."
And that is the Eucharist. If I did not eat, the journey would be too great"

Lauren Winner, Girl Meets God, 2002

A blog about Hope

Here is a link that was meaningful for me, where I am today. Thank you "Rocks in My Dryer"

Monday, June 22, 2009

How we met

I should probably say where and when I met Husband.

We met over the Internet.... yes, cliche, I know. I was actually on a dating site, had put up a profile because I was bored one day and promptly forgot about it.

A few months later, Feb '05, I got an email from Husband, introducing himself. We emailed for 4 months, talking about pretty much everything. Then we decided to meet. Sarah and Voltron offered their house as a good meeting place as you can never be to careful meeting people from the internet.

So it was on. The night before the meeting I got an email from Husband saying his grandfather had died, but he would still be coming. Then I got an SMS from him half an hour before we were meant to meet, saying he was running late. Great. My pet peeve. Lateness.

But I was too nervous to really care. When he rang the doorbell, Sarah went to get the door and I pretended to run out the back, which Voltron thought I was serious about and tried to stop me. Then I met Husband in person for the first time.

We spent the night like stunned mullets, not knowing what to do or say, so it is just as well that Sarah and Voltron were there. We ate dinner and played Brainiac, I think. Voltron is a teasing kind of person and was telling Husband to stay away from me (he was on the other side of the loungeroom) as I had "poisonous tentacles". Then Husband referred to my hair as "Medusa Hair". I thought it was funny. But Husband confided to me later (much later) that he thought he had blown it with me. Thankfully I have a better sense of humour than that.

So I walked Husband out to his car, and he asked to meet up again, to see a movie, which I agreed to.

And the rest is history....

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I want a baby

I admit, I want a baby. Lots of babies.

Husband and I have been trying for 9 months, even since my birthday. I am sick and tired of being disappointed every month. It feels soul destroying for God to keep denying me the thing that I so wish for.

Rebecca has 3 children and is pregnant with her fourth. When they announced their fourth, I went home and wept. I am happy for her, but why does God give so much to some and so little to others?

But I have to stop fighting with God. He always wins. His is wise and gracious and will give me children when it so pleases Him.
Please God, let it be soon.

But, I am learning that God sancifies us through trials.He is not destroying my soul, but building it up to suit His will. God has been gracious enough to give us trials and blessings to grow us. God is teaching me many precious lessons during this time. The main one is: Patience. I am learning to be patient with many things. Not the least with my husband. He is a wonderful husband, but I do not think he totally understands what torture this past 9 months have been.

We lost a baby just before Christmas. It was very early, only a couple of weeks along, but it was devastating. I have told almost no one, and I continue to pray that I may conceive soon, but I continue to mourn my baby.

But I will live in hope, as I love my Lord, The God of the Hopeless.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Black Dog

Yes, I admit I have depression. I have always had it. I was a melancolic child, and was diagnosed with clinical depression in my early teens. I was on anti-depressants for 8 or so years, before I weaned myself off of them because I was sick of taking them.
Most of the time I can handle it and keep it under control.

Not now.

Since losing the baby in December, I have been spiralling downwards. I had been feeling "off" and a few months ago I figured out what was wrong. The depression was back. I figured it would cycle back out within a couple of months, as it had so many times before. But then it didn't. I am in deeper than ever, and I am afraid I will revisit my bad old days.

My bad old days was just as I left high school. Sarah had a break down and she pretty much lived in her bedroom for a year. My best friend just stopped communicating with anyone. And then my depression which I had been able to keep reasonably in check bloomed into something really scary. It took me many months to be able to function again. It is an experience that I would wish on no one.

And now I am afraid that it will happen again. And now I have Husband that I will end up dragging down with me.

I told Husband before we were married that I had depression, and that at the moment it was under control, but it probably will flare up occasionally. He said he understood. But he doesn't, not really. He is part of the 80% of society who does not suffer from depression, and never has, so cannot understand. He is wonderfully supportive, but just doesn't "get it". I feel guilty for doing this to him, but I cannot help it anymore than I can help my eye colour.

I have seen my GP, who is a lovely young woman who has referred me to see a psychologist (Thank goodness for Medicare and Mental Health Care Plans). Her name is Barbara and I will be seeing her this Saturday. I am nervous.

I have another admission, I also have an anxiety disorder. So it is either Clinical depression with an anxiety disorder, or an anxiety disorder with clinical depression. I can never remember which is the right way to say it. I have thankfully not had a panic attack for years, but I can feel it rising up inside of me. At the moment, I wake up in the night, panicing over stuff, and spend a couple of hours like that, before being able to fall back asleep.

I hope that I can get the help I need soon, I cannot cope with how things are.

I am sick of people saying that a Christian cannot be depressed, that if I prayed enough/believed enough/was a proper Christian, I would not be depressed. I would like to say to all of them, fine, if I cannot be depressed as a Christian, you cannot break your arm, or catch a cold. Depression is an illness, and God never said that Christians will be free from all illnesses before heaven

Guide to the people in my life

Well, because I am going with the anonymous theme here, I really should work out what to call all the people I know I will end up posting about.....

The list:
My husband - Husband
My best friend - Sarah
Sarah's husband - Voltron
My sister - Rebecca
Sister's husband - Edwin
Youngest brother - Daniel
Brother (eldest) - Stephen
Eldest brother in law - William
My second Brother in law - Wittle
Wittle's fiance - Angelica
Youngest brother in law - Matthew
My eldest niece - Princess
My eldest Nephew - Mate
My youngest niece - Sweet pea
My boss - Grant
Some of my workmates
Joan, Leslie, Jon

I will post more, as I add people.

My best friend

Yesterday I had a great talk with my best friend, Sarah. She has been unwell for sometime and it was really great to catch up as well as speak of deep and meaningful things.

When I say she has been unwell, I mean that she has an Anxiety disorder and recently had.... well, I suppose I could call it a breakdown. So bad, in fact, that she went to be an inpatient at a St John of God facility.

That was the best thing she could have done, she is now out, after about a month in, and has an "exit strategy", she is going to a therapy group and a psychologist. She is so very much healthier than last time she had a breakdown.

Anyway, back to yesterday's meeting. We got to talk for about an hour and a half, which is pretty good for us, about our lives the past week or so, as well as her and my, mental health. She is so caring and lovely, and bought me flowers, which are beautiful.

Sarah and I have known each other for.... since March 1996, which makes it over 13 years. She is a wonderful friend, the kind of friend that I know will be around forever.

"There are few people out there with whom you fit just so, and, amazingly, you keep fitting just so even after you have growth spurts or lose weight or stop wearing high heels. You keep fitting after you have children or change religions or stop dyeing your hair or quit your job at Goldman Sachs and take up farming. Somehow, God is gracious enough to give us a few of those people, people you can stretch into, people who don't go away, and whom you wouldn't want to go away, even if they offered to" - Lauren Winner, Girl Meets God.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Inaugural Post

Well, my first post. Cool.

Well, first about the name. My wonderful husband said that I had "medusa hair" the first time that we met. Strange I know, but I couldn't think of any other names.

What to write?
Well, I decided that I wanted to blog, as it is cathartic, and no one I know will see the blog so I can write pretty much whatever I like.

I am a 25 year old Christian married to the most wonderful husband ever.
I work as an Assistant Manager at a Christian Book Store.
I am sure that there is much more that I could say, but now that I am writing I am not sure what to say.

Tonight is Friday night, and I really need sleep.....