Sunday, June 21, 2009

I want a baby

I admit, I want a baby. Lots of babies.

Husband and I have been trying for 9 months, even since my birthday. I am sick and tired of being disappointed every month. It feels soul destroying for God to keep denying me the thing that I so wish for.

Rebecca has 3 children and is pregnant with her fourth. When they announced their fourth, I went home and wept. I am happy for her, but why does God give so much to some and so little to others?

But I have to stop fighting with God. He always wins. His is wise and gracious and will give me children when it so pleases Him.
Please God, let it be soon.

But, I am learning that God sancifies us through trials.He is not destroying my soul, but building it up to suit His will. God has been gracious enough to give us trials and blessings to grow us. God is teaching me many precious lessons during this time. The main one is: Patience. I am learning to be patient with many things. Not the least with my husband. He is a wonderful husband, but I do not think he totally understands what torture this past 9 months have been.

We lost a baby just before Christmas. It was very early, only a couple of weeks along, but it was devastating. I have told almost no one, and I continue to pray that I may conceive soon, but I continue to mourn my baby.

But I will live in hope, as I love my Lord, The God of the Hopeless.

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