A quote that reflects my friendship with Sarah

The firmest friendships have been formed in mutual adversity, as iron is most strongly welded by the fiercest fire.

Crunch Time

Husband works making computer games. Unfortunately part of this is crunch time. It is when a milestone is due and he has to work back to finish the milestone on time.

It means that he needs to work 12 hour or more days, at least 6 days a week, every 6 weeks or so. It lasts for 2 weeks or so.

It is hard for him, as he needs to work so much, but also for me, as he is gone so much.

As I write, I am waiting for him to come home, hopefully soon, as it is Sunday and he left early this morning.

An Oprah Moment

Husband came home today and said he had gotten a call from his dad. Father in Law offered us a car that Matthew had been using that he no longer needed. For Free.

Let me repeat that. FOR FREE

A 2002 Kia in good condition, just because they don't want it anymore. Wow.

Words cannot express how grateful that I am, it is just amazing. My current car is 17 years old and I was starting to think about when it dies in a couple of years, what in earth I was going to do. Husband has a car that is 5 years old and it really good condition, so this new car will be for me.

But God is gracious and has provided me with a new(ish) car. And it is so very generous of the in laws. It is like that episode of Oprah where she gave everyone new cars, that is how I feel.

Mood Charting

At the moment, at the request of Bill, I have started charting my mood every day.

I have found this mood chart from the Black Dog Institute



It is an interesting exercise and very odd. Interesting because it lets me assess what I am feeling, odd because I am not used to assessing my feelings. But wonderfully therapeutic.

Simple Savings - one of my favourite sites

18 months ago I discovered a site Simple Savings It is a site on saving money, and I have found it is one of the best sites on that topic.

It has a great forum and a hints Vault. I have made many online friends there, and have enjoyed reading the blog on there.

The bloggers name is Penny Wise, and I adore her blog I was drawn to the website by her humour and writing.

All in all, a fantasic Australian site

Wide Sargasso Sea

I have just finished reading the Wide Sargasso Sea

It was an interesting read. It was written in 1966, a bit later than most of the novels I read. It is a novel based on the Bertha character in Jane Eyre

It shows Bertha in a more sympathetic light than in the original novel. In Jane Eyre, Bertha is not given a voice, she is a peripheral character, of no importance but how her existance furthers the plot. But in Wide Sargasso Sea, she is shown to have had a hard life and sinks into her insanity without her noticing.

While it was a good read, I still prefer Jane Eyre :)

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday my Lovely Husband!

Today is my lovely husband's birthday. He is 29, and I must say he is a wonderful husband.

The last 4 and a half years that I have known him have been the best of my life.

So, Happy Birthday My Darling

Cakes

I love making cakes, decorating them really.

I learnt to decorate cakes in high school. And luckily my husband loves me making them for him. As it is his birthday, I am making him a birthday cake.

This year is a drum cake, as Husband is a drummer


Hopefully this will pass the grade :)

I made the wall of shadow draw back,
beyond desire and act, I walked on.
- Pablo Neruda

Journalling

I just bought a journal, one that is a devotional/reflecting on my marriage. I have never been a journalling person, I usually give up a week in. But this blog has meant that I have been basically journalling for some time now. So I am going to try to do this.

I love my husband, he is a kind, considerate and wonderful person and I would like to journal my thoughts and feelings about our marriage.

So, wish me luck :)

New Zealand

3 years ago I had the privilege of going to New Zealand with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother comes from Christchurch and we went to a family reunion.

We went to Christchurch for a couple of days for the reunion, then we drove around the South Island. We visited Queenstown, Fox Glacier, Greymouth and Arthurs Pass.

New Zealand, seriously has the best scenery. I loved the history and the lovely locals. I would love to go again, I am going to take Husband one day.

One of my workmates is going to New Zealand next year, and I have dug out my scrapbook from the old trip to give him ideas where to go. I love looking through my old books and remember the good and the bad.

I love walking down memory lane

Customer Service

Today I was embarassed at a 7-Eleven.

I received a free fuel voucher and when I tried to redeem it, I was told that the person didn't know what that was and I couldn't use it. Which was quite embarassing for me, as I was under the impression that I could use them at any 7-Eleven.

So I went home and wrote an email stating what had happened. I got an email a couple of hours later from the NSW regional manager asking if he could call me to sort it out. Tonight, he rang and apologised and said that they had retrained the staff and I could use the voucher when I wish to do so.

Which was fantastic. That is good customer service, I know, I work in retail. SO, thank you 7-Eleven, you have restored my belief that customer service staff do care.

Pablo Neruda

Pablo Neruda is one of my favourite poets. The cadence and rhythm of his words entrance me. I have just bought a book of most of his works, so expect to hear some choice quotes from him regularly as I read through the book.

My favourite poem by him is:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance
,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

Back to work

Today was my first day back at work after 2 weeks sick leave. It was a stressful day, but not because of anything that was happening, but because that I cannot get my anxiety under control.

But at least I have a nice boss, I am allowed to go to my counsellor's appointment which is during work hours.

Fear

Another thing that has come through my therapy. I am fearful. Always always fearful.

Ever since I was little I have been convinced that people do not like me. I have issues believing people like me, I have issues making connections with people, I can do social occasions and I can do them well, but making lasting relationship connections is extremely difficult for me.

I think it may be because when I was growing up my Dad was absent and my Mum didn't like me very much. And by very much, I mean at all. She had undiagnosed depression and because of Dad's work commitments she was basically a single mother most of the time. I know she did the best she could with what she had, I do not blame her, I of all people know that depression when you are unsupported.

But it still had left scars. I am determined to beat this fear, surely I can become less fearful, more confident in the way that God has made me.

Danae

In my session with Bill, we talked a lot about my miscarriage. It was 2 days before Christmas and it was a very early miscarriage.

He asked if I had mourned for her, I said I don't know. I don't think I had.

She was only a couple of weeks old, just a blob, but she was the embodiment of all the hope and love between Husband and I. So I have decided to name her.

Her name is Danae. I know I will mourn her, and I know that there are women who have suffered more than I, but I do need to recognise that I have lost my child.

For Husband, she was not quite real, he didn't have the deep connection with her that I did. For him, it was more the loss of the hope. He hasn't talked of it much.

Now I am starting to feel hope again, a small light piercing the dark clouds that have surrounded me for so very long.

Remembering to breathe

I had my first counselling appointment. It was nerve-racking. I met a nice counsellor called Bill, an older gentleman who has over 30 years of experience.

He was kind, considerate and brought up many issues that I hadn't thought of before.

Part of what he brought up was that I don't breathe much. Apparently 95% of our energy (or close to it) comes from breathing. So now I need to relearn my breathing, if I breathe deeply I will feel better. And today, I do.

Breathe in, breathe out.

From a favourite theologian

Emerging Pastor

Too much to stand under


First some scripture.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. (2 Corinthians 1:8-9)

At the moment, someone quite close to me is suffering greatly, it is one reason that I have been sparse of posts, my time is required elsewhere.

When I say suffering greatly I mean hardship far beyond their ability to endure and even to share with those close by. To my friend life is not worth living, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished and there is only darkness all around. They have asked me on more than a few times about the promise of 1 Corinthians 10:13, "if God wont give me more than I can bear, then why am I suffering so much". It is heart-rending and heart-breaking.

2 Corinthians 1:8-9 offers some consolation to us when we read of Paul and his companions enduring even more than they can handle but such consolation can sometimes fail even the strongest of people when they are worn down by years of recurring illness.

But is this what Paul was talking about or is he specifically talking about trials relating to building faith?

I think they are one in the same. It doesn't matter if it is the struggle of a missionary in a hostile field, the struggle of sin in ones life, or the struggle with illness and pain. All three test, tease and strain our faith in God. So how is it that a person can get to the point of wanting to give up under the strain of illness and what does that say about God?

It's easy to blame the person. You might say that they don't have enough faith (and if you do I'll punch you in the throat), or that they are not seeing clearly at the moment (which they are obviously not, but that's not at all helpful), some might even hazard that they are being punished for sin (another throat punch worthy offence).

Not to blame the person, but to help them, I recently had this insight. "God may give us only what we can bear, but often we take on so much more". We pile on the worry, pile on the anxiety or make poor choices with what is presented to us.

Sometimes when faced with trial and trouble we do the exact opposite of what Peter asks us to do "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) We add to the heavy burden by not opening up to others or contemplating the worst case without defining the worst case.

In his letter to the Galatian church Paul urged: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2) Let's not let our brothers and sisters carry the heavy load by themselves. Let's help with their burden and help them to point their anxiety to Christ.


This post is not very refined or eloquent, it is from someone taking up the strain and praying for others to help.

Wrestling with Theology

Today I had a theological issue. Do infants/children who are not able to choose Christ as they are not old enough/aware enough go to heaven or hell.

Husband says that they go to hell. I find that disturbing, surely God is gracious enough that He will make allowances for the youth of the people and let them into heaven.

But I have no bible verse to back up my theory. Neither does Husband, but it means that is it is the black hole, things God has not explicitly mentioned in His word.

I was speaking to some mature Christians, Voltron and Sarah about this. As Voltron is a trainee pastor and Sarah I trust with her maturity and insight, I thought that they would be able to hash it out with me.

And speaking with them gave me clarity. Yes, there is no bible verse that points one way or another to the salvation of infants, but with a systematic reading of the Scriptures, it shows that God equally Just and Merciful. He does show mercy to people who do not deserve it, so it stands to reason that He would show mercy to those who are not capable of making a decision for Christ.

It is hard to be able to articulate such complex thoughts, I find that through discussion I am much more able to develop and articulate my thoughts rather than trying to describe off the cuff. I can only hope I keep thinking and praying about such issues and develop my understanding of God and how He interacts with His world.

Birthday Surprises

It is Husband's birthday soon. And I have had up my sleeve a surprise for him. I had some glamour shots taken, and framed. That is part of his present, some photos that will remind him how very much I want to be beautiful for him.

I went into the shop, quite apprehensive as I did not want the ladies there to think that because the photos are for my husband, I wanted to look slutty. But at least I could stand my ground and just ask for some classy photos. And if I may say so, they do look rather good.

The other part of his present is a computer game "The Conduit". Yes, Husband is a gamer. He spends a lot of time playing computer games, well, to each his own.

So I am looking forward to Husband's birthday. I love surprising him and I love that I get to spend one more year with the love of my life.

I wish we could talk about sex more openly. Not just lots of sexual jokes and innuendo like general society, but really talk. How hard it can be to fit the right priorities into life and how wonderful it can be to share your life and everything with one person.

It would be nice to be able to share how good Husband is as well :)

I must admit I am a very person and it is hard for me to share even normal everyday things with people, even people I know well. The only people I can share totally with are Husband and Sarah. Them I love with my whole heart and trust them completely.

But I do talk to Husband, the truly right and proper person to talk to about such things. I did not think I would be able to lose my inhibitions so completely around him, but with him I feel cherished and safe. I love making love to him and there is nothing I would rather do most days.

But some days I feel like there is nothing he could possibly do to turn me on. Those are the days that I need to remember why God instituted sex. Yes, for pleasure, but also so that we could become less selfish and take care of the needs of our spouse. It is those times that I think I will get the most from, the times that I need to work to be attracted to the man I love, but annoyed me earlier in the day. God is gracious enough to let us learn from all circumstances, if we so choose.

Today I went to the city and to browse around the bookstores. I love the Dymocks and Abbey Books in the city, they are so very big and have such a better range than the ones out where I live.

I love books, I love reading and the information as well as the escapism it gives me. I have always been a reader, as long as I can remember.

Anyway, the day in the city. It was a little strssful as it was the first time I had been in the city by myself. It was not a little daunting. But I managed. I caught the train and wandered around and did not get lost at all.

The bookstores were lovely and relaxing, I enjoyed spending time just looking. I did buy some books, 3 to be exact. I also bought a Jane Eyre DVD and a Family History journal.

One of the books I bought was one I have been looking for for about 2 years. The Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys. It is from a period of writing that I like (well, half of it was written in the 1930's) and it is based on a character from Jane Eyre, a book I really like. So it will be interesting to see what it will be like.

It was a lovely day, and best of all I got to catch the train home with Husband.

Thank you Antique Mommy for this thought

Good Intentions



I love going to the store early in the morning because there are usually no lines and it’s clean and quiet, plenty of good parking spaces. Early shoppers know how to grocery shop. They understand and adhere to aisle etiquette. They know what they are doing. They are my people.

But this is not about grocery store etiquette. This is about how good intentions wear off around 9am.

On a recent early morning shopping trip, I passed through the bakery area where I saw a mom-type person reach into the doughnut case, snag one with the tissue paper and scarf it down in about two bites. I do not judge her, because who among us has not been overcome with doughnut fumes and passed out in the self-serve case? She had probably gotten out of bed an hour before with the best of intentions to make it a better day, to do better, to treat her body like the temple that it is.

But by 9:30, the morning sun had scorched her good intentions. Resolve dissolved. I get that.

Two aisles before I even got to the photo department, I heard a voice – intense and purposeful and rising like a thermometer. When I turned the corner I saw a harried mom with four kids hanging off the cart. She was trying to work the self-service photo print machine and her four kids were trying to work her last nerve. And then she lost it. She bellowed at the source of her exasperation and melted down into a puddle of what appeared to be good intentions.

She had probably gone to bed the night before promising herself that today would be a better day, that today she would do better, today she would be the kind of calm and reasonable mom parenting books promise you can be.

As I was heading towards the checkout with my few things, I met up with a man with sad eyes and a red bulbous drinker’s nose. He wore a defeated expression. He bowed awkwardly and kindly waved me into the line ahead of him, although I had several things in my cart whereas he only had a case of beer.

“Thank you so much sir,” I said. I looked into his eyes and what I saw was the cruelest kind of sad – self disappointment. Had he gotten up a couple of hours earlier with the best intentions to make it a better day, to do better? Yet here he was buying a case of beer at 9:30 in the morning.

Beer is not my thing, but sometimes it’s the doughnut. Or the promise not to yell or be snippy and short with people I love. Or any number of short comings from a long list.

Like those people, I wake up each morning telling myself that today I’ll make it a better day, today I’ll do better. And then the sun rises in the sky.

The early shoppers, the ones with the good grocery store etiquette and a cart full of busted best intentions, they are my people.

Daily, my good intentions fail, but His compassions for me don’t. And therein lies my hope.

* * * *

“Because of the Lord’’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” ~Lamentations 3:22-23

When two wills clash

It is a subtle process, the blending of two lives. The bending of two wills to each suit the other and for the good of the couple. The process is slow and sometimes intensely painful, and often one needs to abandon their will to the other's. To believe your husband always has your best interests at heart can be, at times, next to impossible. While the husband truly does have your best interests of your present and future at heart, your will and desires scream that he must be wrong.

But then, grace swoops in. Submission is not being a doormat but choosing to trust your husband's choices, even when they seem stupid or wrong. I have learnt that when our wills clash, I do need to reconsider whether I am "right" or just want to be.

So it is the way with Christ. He asks me to wait. I don't want to, but I know He has my best interests at heart. Becoming more like Christ is a subtle process, the bending of my will to His.

I pray that I can bend my will to Jesus and to my husband, the ones I have pledged my life to.

I adore family history as it links me with the past and with my family. And I was priveledged enough to be given a lot of family history information lately. I have read the telegram that told my great-grandparents that their middle son had gone missing during a mission over the Aegean Sea during WWII, and looked at photos of my ancestors.

What a tenuous thing life is. I am sure these people had dreams, had many joyous and terrible experiences and developed character. And all of these seem to be lost when they die.

But, thankfully, they are not lost, I can see their faces in my family and, God willing, I will meet some of my ancestors in heaven. What a wonderous thing God's grace is, to allow us to live in His presence forever.

Book Preferences

Hardback or trade paperback or mass market paperback? Trade paperback, hardbacks can be very expensive.

Amazon or brick and mortar? Brick and mortar, I love browsing around shops.

Barnes & Noble or Borders? Borders, I have no idea what Barnes and Noble is.

Bookmark or dogear? Bookmark

Alphabetize by author or alphabetize by title or random? By subject, and then books by the same author together, I cannot be bothered to be obsessive about it.

Keep, throw away, or sell? Keep

Keep dustjacket or toss it? Keep the dustjacket

Read with dustjacket or remove it? Read with the dust jacket, but get annoyed at it.

Short story or novel? Novel, though I enjoy a short story collection every now and then.

Collection (short stories by same author) or anthology (short stories by different authors)? Both, though I generally prefer a collection.

Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks? Chapter breaks.

“It was a dark and stormy night” or “Once upon a time”? Um... both

Buy or Borrow? Both, mostly borrow as I am quite.... frugal

New or used? Both

Buying choice: book reviews, recommendation or browse? Browse

Tidy ending or cliffhanger? It must be a tidy ending, otherwise it drives me crazy

Morning reading, afternoon reading or nighttime reading? I have to limit to a time???

Stand-alone or series? Um... I love a good series, but there are many great stand alone books

Favorite series? Do I really have to name one?

Favorite book of which nobody else has heard? Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner

Favorite books read last year? Um.... so very many. I love the Red River of the North series by Lauraine Snelling, the Mitford Series by Jan Karon

Favorite books of all time? Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte, The Count of Monte Cristo by Dumas, Anything by LM Montgomery, Hemingway, Louisa May Alcott.

Least favorite book you finished last year? Memory Keepers Daughter by Kim Edwards, the reviews were much exaggerated, it was a horrible book.

What are you reading right now? Little Women by Louisa May Alcott and Tender Mercies by Lauraine Snelling

What are you reading next? A Simple Way to Pray by Martin Luther and Women in the Hebrew Bible edited by Alice Bach

Lists

I admit it, I am a list person.

I love lists.

Shopping lists, things to do, things to ask the doctor and the list goes on :)

It probably stems from my wish to be organised and works, most of the time.

Like my wedding, now that was an achievement in organisation, not obsessive, or bridezilla-y, but organised so that I knew what was happening. And it worked, it was a wonderful day, not perfect, but wonderful in everyway.

I have learned, if I do not write lists I forget things. Especially at the grocery shops, I will forget what I am going for and get a basketload of things that I didn't really need.

I am sure that Husband thinks I am a little bit controlling, but, thankfully I am letting go of some things. Marriage is like that, God uses it for His purposes, to change us into His image. And God willing, I am becoming just a little more Christ-like each day

C.S Lewis

"Because we love something else more than this world we love even this world better than those who know no other." (From God In the Dock).

Is it just me?

Is it just me or is anyone else afraid of asking questions about things they just don't get?

Not that I mind appearing ignorant about things other people think everyone knows, but because I invariably ask the most embarrassing questions most innocently.

I just don't get a lot of "blue" humour.

Like the time Husband and I were driving home late at night, and a segment on Triple M came on called "Dolphin Juice". I innocently remarked to Husband "How on earth do people think of such random names for radio shows, do they pick two random words out of the dictionary?"
Husband: "Uh.... you don't know what that means?"
Me: "It means something?"
Husband: "Uh.... it means.... ummm"
I will save you the rest of the conversation, but apparently dolphin juice is a euphemism about ejaculate.
HOW WAS I MEANT TO KNOW THAT?!?!?

So I have learned, if I don't know something, always ask Husband things out of the ear shot of other people.

Thoughts on Money for the New Financial Year

No one talks about money, not how much we earn, not how we managed to afford our house...

But on occasions people will open up.
Like Wittle, he and Angelica went to the Easter Show and ran into a very determined salesman who proceeded to get them to sign up for a $4500 saucepan set. What the!?!?!

At times like this I am tempted to share about Husband's and my frugality and how we managed a 25% deposit on our house. But then, that would alienate people, and I cannot do that.

But sometimes, I am sick of people thinking we are stingy.

We are not, but we are careful. Husband and I had to tell his parents that, no, we couldn't afford to fly ourselves down to Adelaide for a weekend to go to a cousin's wedding. Sorry, we just bought a house and we cannot afford it.
I know that they thought we didn't have our priorities right, for my parents in law, family, especially the really obscure people who you only see once in a few years, are very important. So important, we should blow a couple of thousand on airfares and accommodation.
So, they proceeded to pay for Husband and I to go. I felt so very guilty, but Husband accepted their gift and it was a good weekend.

But I do wish that people would talk about money more openly. I belong to a website Simple Savings it is a website that has hints and tips and the best forum ever. It is a place where you can find tips to clean your shower with vinegar as well as some other, less common ways to save money.

It is also a safe place to speak about struggles with money and somewhere where you can be proud to announce, you have paid a little more off your mortgage this month.

I am working on transparency in my life, trying to be more open with the people with whom I speak. On many fronts, but I do hope that one day I will be able to freely and honestly talk about money to my friends and family without being judgmental or offending.